If I Smile And Don't Believe, Hoshiko
by Neko-Neko Faust VIII
Summary: After a mental breakdown following Hao'death, Annarnseems to have lost all of her memories, except those of Hao...when Eliza and Faust adopt her as a child, they see her drift further and further away. Can they give her up in time?
1. I Linger

If I Smile And Don't Believe, Hoshiko

Summary: After a mental breakdown following Hao's untimely death, Anna seems to have lost all of her memories except of her beloved Hao…one night, when she attempts to escape from the En Inn where Manta has been watching over her, she is stopped by none other than Eliza, who stops her tears and begins to act as a mother for her. But as she grows more and more dependent on this new, "mother," Anna's mind drifts farther and farther away..and all Yoh can do is watch. Will Faust be able to help he and Eliza give Anna up as the daughter they never had, their "Hoshiko?" …or will they play onto the illusion and let Anna die?

A/N: I love this plot! I wanted to have a main character, but it frequently switches between many characters like Anna, Yoh, Eliza, and Faust…Yay for Faust and Eliza on their way to stardom!

FaustEliza: Damn straight!

Neko-Neko Faust VIII: My god, Faust you are a sexy beast!

Eliza: Second to that!

Faust: I am what I is!

All: big cheesy smile Have fun with this story! 'Tis dramatic and angsty but the Author Notes shall brighten your gloomy day! And please convince Neko-Neko Faust VIII to cease doing her author notes in script! 

Prologue: The Thin Line Between Love and Hate

"Hao's dead."

As soon as he trudged solemnly into the livingroom I knew, agonizingly so, that Yoh would say that to me…and how I hated him for it…but I was supposed to love him, wasn't I?

But forbidden loves always taste sweeter, like the black roses I laid upon his frozen body before he was cremated, and poured so carelessly into the vase just as though he were commonplace water or debris.

But that is not Hao. Hao is not commonplace…it is because Hao is unforgettable.

That long hair that would blow in the wind just as glorious as an earthy breeze, those intense, powerfully loving, oaken eyes that I would look into, and he would promise me someday that we would be together…and the long, sweeping tan-colored cape that would billow out behind him like the grand sails of a majestic warship, the cape he had wrapped me in, during that cold, blissfully unaware night of obliviousness that had cost Hao both his love and his life…

Why in the damned world did he have to commit suicide?!

When I saw him, if I really did indeed see him, the rope chafed at his elegant neck, his eyes once so alive, and vivacious, now so bloodshot, so full of the pain of loving someone…

I think, that maybe, just maybe, Hao could have been a little afraid of loving me…afraid to love anyone, because of Yoh.

Even though they were twins, Yoh was his beloved baby brother, his little fluffy chick, so naïve and inexperienced but also, as Hao saw, so capapble of so many great things…

I think all he wanted was for Yoh to be happy with me…but he never once, as much as he loved me and I him, thought about my feelings…

Did he once, even once think, that maybe it was his chance, god forbid, to have a moment in the sun? To feel? To…hold?

Did once even think of himself?

I hate Yoh, and I hate Hao…but oh how I love them both…

I love them so much, that it tears my heart out of my skin that they both had once rubbed against, carressed with their loving hands…

Yoh doesn't talk now….it makes me weak to look at him, his eyes have also turned cold…lost the glow of youth that he once possessed…

I don't feel young anymore…

I don't want to.

I want to die.

Someone…anyone…please, I beg of you…

Kill me so I can be with Hao…

No…

Stop me so I can remain with Yoh…

Is this what love really is?

I thought I was so strong, but now it feels as if something…or, someone…weak and terrifed is trying to crawl out.

"Help me!"

"I'm scared!"

"Don't leave me alone!"

"I don't want to go away!"

"Help me! Help me!"

A/N: That was in Anna's POV, for your information….If Satine89 is reading this, or maybe KagenoKatana, or sakuuya, who have been my FAVE authors and REVIEWERS so far, here's to all of you! Yay!

PS: I don't know when I shall update this, but soon! 

Ja Ne- Neko-Neko Faust VIII


	2. Agonizing Memories

If I Smile And Don't Believe, Hoshiko

Summary: After a mental breakdown following Hao's untimely death, Anna seems to have lost all of her memories except of her beloved Hao…one night, when she attempts to escape from the En Inn where Manta has been watching over her, she is stopped by none other than Eliza, who stops her tears and begins to act as a mother for her. But as she grows more and more dependent on this new, "mother," Anna's mind drifts farther and farther away..and all Yoh can do is watch. Will Faust be able to help he and Eliza give Anna up as the daughter they never had, their "Hoshiko?" …or will they play onto the illusion and let Anna die?

Disclaimer: The tortured, vertically-challenged, exhausted authoress does not own Shaman King so please don't hurt her. That would be rude and insulting to Faust and Eliza and Frankensteiny. You don't want to upset the poor dears.

A/N: I love this plot! I wanted to have a main character, but it frequently switches between many characters like Anna, Yoh, Eliza, and Faust…Yay for Faust and Eliza on their way to stardom!

FaustEliza: Damn straight!

Neko-Neko Faust VIII: My god, Faust you are a sexy beast!

Eliza: Second to that!

Faust: I am what I is!

All: big cheesy smile Have fun with this story! 'Tis dramatic and angsty but the Author Notes shall brighten your gloomy day! And please convince Neko-Neko Faust VIII to cease doing her author notes in script! 

Chapter One: "Agonizing Memories" –Manta POV

When I see her on the floor, just lying there motionless, I get so scared…not because I am scared of Anna, I was never scared of Anna…I just wish I could have told her that.

She used to be the only one I could confide in…she knows almost everything about me...and some of the things I told her, I still can't solve…why aren't I growing? I was probably cursed or something stupid like that, but even growing an inch is great when you're 80 cm tall…

She used to be so many things.

She used to be my protector.

She used to be my hero.

She…used to be…

My love.

And now I feel horrible, like I've tossed Yoh to the side like a crumpled-up, empty soda can that lingers on the side of the pavement…I know it's not right, and I know it, but they did this to her. Hao and Yoh, and I hate them both…just like she did.

And yet I can't help but think she was in love with Hao, however much I may have wished it, I knew she would never want me…who would want a boy who hasn't even reached puberty?!

Anna was in the shower, I could her her singing amongst the suffocating, rolling steam that clouded the air…obscuring my vision, though I wasn't even in the bathroom…it seeped under the crack in the door, just like her words that day.

"Manta! Why did you do this?! Why did you do this to me?!"

Those beseeching words ran through my head as I listened to her plaintive song ring throughout the house…I grimaced, as if holding back pain, I knew Yoh was aware of who she was singing about…He was in the house, he had to have heard it…she was singing for Hao.

But then again…she also loved him.

They all have their perfect little love triangle, like looking through a mirror and seeing a perfect reflection of the kind you see in the movies.

And I was the one kicked out of the triangle, and when it shattered, I was left to pick up the pieces.

Her pieces.

Her voice was smooth and beautiful, but so sorrowful…and like she was singing under mummy's bandages, covered in cotton.

For long it went on, I do not know…but after it ended the inn was shrouded in a deathly silence.

Panicking I rapped on the door.

No answer.

For that moment, I was terrified, I clawed at the door frantically, I screamed for her.

"Anna! Anna! Anna!!" I shouted myself hoarse.

No answer.

Horrified that she may have imitated Hao, with a look of hideous anxiety on my face, I walked into the bathroom to see something I either would have loved to, or hated to see.

It really all depended on how I took it.

And of course, I took it the hard way.

She lay motionless on the floor of the bath, not sinking to the bottom but floating as if she were already dead. Her hair fell in wisps over her face, and her eyes were misty.

"Oh my god! Anna! Anna, daijobu dess ka?!" I asked, concerned, and shaking her back and forth.

She opened her eyes half-way, "Who are you…" and fell into my arms.

Anna had lost consciousness again.

I held her as gently as I could, carrying her my best as I took her to her room.

Succumbing to my rather unhonorable temptations, I gazed upon her nude body.

So beautifully sculpted, and tanned from the sun. Her light hair was wet and dangling but so rich and full…and then I looked at her again.

She looked so fragile, though. Like a rose beaten by wind and pelted by rain…

I had my moment of silence, staring at my love in reverie.

My instance of bliss, was broken by a furious Yoh, whose raven hair seemed to stand on end from her anger.

"What are you doing, Manta?! What are you doing to Anna?! What are you doing?! GET OUT!!" he screamed at me, grabbing my throat.

Yoh slapped his hand with his forehead, "Manta…" he calmed down.

"I'm sorry. Leave." he concluded solemnly, taking Anna in his hands and propelling her to her room.

As I saw him leave the room, I knew Anna was awake somehow…and, knowing I had to leave soon, stood in the edge of the darkened doorway and watched her.

Anna sat in the darkest corner of the room, humming.

"Ring around the rosies, a pocket full of posies…" she chanted hauntingly, playing with a doll that Hao had given her.

"Ashes to ashes, we all fall down."

And she laughed until she cried.

A/N: Next stop: Anna's POV! Anna decides on running away! And then in the next next chapter, she meets Eliza-Dono! It shall become more twisted and sad each chapter I concoct…heh heh heh…

If you want to, I have a poll for you all to answer: Do you want it to end happily or sadly? This may affect the outcome, for I have not yet made the decision! :)

Thanks to the Reviewers!- Thank you priestess-carlie! I think I forgot the rest of your penname if there was more, please forgive me! I updated this just for you! Domo arigatou gozaimass! You inspired me to actually continue this fic…now if only someone could inspire me to continue Aisubeki Dearest…gloom

Ja Ne- Neko-Neko Faust VIII


	3. Escape From The Reality Of It All

If I Smile And Don't Believe, Hoshiko

Summary: After a mental breakdown following Hao's untimely death, Anna seems to have lost all of her memories except of her beloved Hao…one night, when she attempts to escape from the En Inn where Manta has been watching over her, she is stopped by none other than Eliza, who stops her tears and begins to act as a mother for her. But as she grows more and more dependent on this new, "mother," Anna's mind drifts farther and farther away..and all Yoh can do is watch. Will Faust be able to help he and Eliza give Anna up as the daughter they never had, their "Hoshiko?" …or will they play onto the illusion and let Anna die?

Disclaimer: The tortured, vertically-challenged, exhausted authoress does not own Shaman King so please don't hurt her. That would be rude and insulting to Faust and Eliza and Frankensteiny. You don't want to upset the poor dears.

A/N: I love this plot! I wanted to have a main character, but it frequently switches between many characters like Anna, Yoh, Eliza, and Faust…Yay for Faust and Eliza on their way to stardom!

FaustEliza: Damn straight!

Neko-Neko Faust VIII: My god, Faust you are a sexy beast!

Eliza: Second to that!

Faust: I am what I is!

All: big cheesy smile Have fun with this story! 'Tis dramatic and angsty but the Author Notes shall brighten your gloomy day! And please convince Neko-Neko Faust VIII to cease doing her author notes in script! 

Chapter Two: To Escape the Reality Of It All- Anna POV-

I wish I could escape all of this, it isn't fair…

Hao, you are unforgettable.

And you, Yoh, are unforgettable.

Why is it that nobody sees that they truly love someone until it is too late? I hate it. I want to die.

As I thought, Faust walked into my room with a concerned frown…I guessed I had been talking to myself again. I can't tell when I'm talking and when I'm thinking anymore. I can't even tell if I am alive or dreaming so what's the use?

"Anna-san? Anna-san?" he said with increasing persistence as getting me to answer.

He rumpled my hair, and I slapped his hand viciously, like an animal caught in a trap, my face was gray with anger.

"Bastard!"

Faust looked at me with a disturbed expression, trying his best to smile at me and make me feel better, but could not, and before he even finished his check-up, he fled the room.

Sometimes I think I might know how Faust feels…how he feels because he lost Eliza.

But he's the lucky one.

Hao can't be my guardian ghost! And Faust got to keep Eliza! That is why I hate him, too.

And he's insane…I lost my love, and I'm not insane, am I?

I didn't think so….

And now I was wondering who I'm talking to….an angel? a devil? Myself?

…even Hao?

The darkness crept over me and I felt the blood all go to my head as I lost consciousness again…

I hate everything and I must escape, I thought, my mind slipping again into the blackness….

Yoh…

Hao…

I've got to escape so I can see you clearly again.

To escape the horrible reality of it all.

And never ever come back.

A/N: Get ready for Eliza/Mommy's introduction everyone! "Danke schon!" to all my dear reviewers and a memo!

Memo: I now despise the word "dearest…."

2ND Memo: The word, "dear," is fine but the other one nearly kills me for it is part of the title of a story which I absolutely hate working on right now…both of these are becoming a bitch to write! But I shall continue! After this commercial break!

(corny music plays)

Lyserg: Corn?

Marco: (hugs Lyserg) I like Korn!

Venstar: Porn?

Meene: Mourn?

Denbat: Shorn?

Jeanne: Corn is good.

All: (agree and bow down to Jeanne.)


	4. Mother Dear

If I Smile And Don't Believe, Hoshiko

Summary: After a mental breakdown following Hao's untimely death, Anna seems to have lost all of her memories except of her beloved Hao…one night, when she attempts to escape from the En Inn where Manta has been watching over her, she is stopped by none other than Eliza, who stops her tears and begins to act as a mother for her. But as she grows more and more dependent on this new, "mother," Anna's mind drifts farther and farther away..and all Yoh can do is watch. Will Faust be able to help he and Eliza give Anna up as the daughter they never had, their "Hoshiko?" …or will they play onto the illusion and let Anna die?

Disclaimer: The tortured, vertically-challenged, exhausted authoress does not own Shaman King so please don't hurt her. That would be rude and insulting to Faust and Eliza and Frankensteiny. You don't want to upset the poor dears.

A/N: I love this plot! I wanted to have a main character, but it frequently switches between many characters like Anna, Yoh, Eliza, and Faust…Yay for Faust and Eliza on their way to stardom!

FaustEliza: Damn straight!

Neko-Neko Faust VIII: My god, Faust you are a sexy beast!

Eliza: Second to that!

Faust: I am what I is!

All: big cheesy smile Have fun with this story! 'Tis dramatic and angsty but the Author Notes shall brighten your gloomy day! And please convince Neko-Neko Faust VIII to cease doing her author notes in script! 

Chapter Three: Mother Dear

The night was dark, and the rain poured down like a waterfall onto my face and my clothes.

I didn't know why I was out, but I had left the inn, I suppose, for a walk in the late autumn night…the air was clear, and thickly soft…I loved the feeling, and knowing I had left my poor Johann to look after Anna, I had decided to return back, to help him.

I was stopped in my tracks, and thouroughly shocked…

"Help me!" she screamed with a passion.

It was Anna.

Her hair was in disarray, she looked tired and had dark bags under her eyes, her bandana was missing, and she was clothed only in a white nightshirt. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. She looked horrible…and so sad.

"Help me!! Help me!!! Whoever you are, just help me!" I was surprised she didn't know me, she saw me often, but tragedy often triggers memory loss…it pained me to see such a controlled, pure person like her be in trouble, or pain…I felt so sorry for Anna.

"Shh…shh…" I hushed her gently, drawing the little girl into my arms.

Anna ceased her convulsive sobbing, and drew close to me like a baby with its mother..

A baby…

A mother…

She was shaking, trembling in a sorrowful way and stuttering uncontrollably, I had to do something to quiet her, and to make her feel better.

"Hush…everything is going to be alright…everything will be fine…trust me." I beseeched her warmly, in a maternal voice and stroking her blonde hair.

She looked up at me with a red face swollen from both the cold and from crying… "Why?"

I knew it was slightly wrong, but if it would give her some kind of solace, some kind of confirmation of anything, I would do it…for my little…

Hoshiko.

My Little Star.

"Because you're my little star, you're my sweet little Hoshiko." I said, embracing her and feeling her tears stop running.

"Hoshiko?"

"Mmm…" I sighed softly, knowing I had comforted her, "Because you're my little Hoshiko, and I'm your mother…come on, let's go inside, and be warm."

I led her down the pathway, hearing her follow me with tottering, childish steps. She was thirteen, she was no child…on the outside, at least.

But inside she was the most childlike, fragile creature…

And I was her mother.

A/N: I wanted to convey Eliza's feelings, she never gets a very prominent role, and I wanted to give her one. She and Anna are the main characters, and Yoh kind of suffers the consequences of Anna's choice. Faust just wants to help his wife and himself, and Manta-kun is just lovelorn and would do his best to protect Anna…I have a feeling this will be good, maybe it will…

Next chapter! "Hoshiko?" everyone begins to see Anna stick to Eliza like glue, Faust notices it first, and asks his wife what's up! What's going on? Can he stop Anna? Can he have the heart to bring Anna with them to Germany without Yoh noticing? Big decisions! Read on, dear reviewers!


	5. I Love My Mommy

If I Smile And Don't Believe, Hoshiko

Summary: After a mental breakdown following Hao's untimely death, Anna seems to have lost all of her memories except of her beloved Hao…one night, when she attempts to escape from the En Inn where Manta has been watching over her, she is stopped by none other than Eliza, who stops her tears and begins to act as a mother for her. But as she grows more and more dependent on this new, "mother," Anna's mind drifts farther and farther away..and all Yoh can do is watch. Will Faust be able to help he and Eliza give Anna up as the daughter they never had, their "Hoshiko?" …or will they play onto the illusion and let Anna die?

Disclaimer: The tortured, vertically-challenged, exhausted authoress does not own Shaman King so please don't hurt her. That would be rude and insulting to Faust and Eliza and Frankensteiny. You don't want to upset the poor dears.

A/N: I love this plot! I wanted to have a main character, but it frequently switches between many characters like Anna, Yoh, Eliza, and Faust…Yay for Faust and Eliza on their way to stardom!

FaustEliza: Damn straight!

Neko-Neko Faust VIII: My god, Faust you are a sexy beast!

Eliza: Second to that!

Faust: I am what I is!

All: big cheesy smile Have fun with this story! 'Tis dramatic and angsty but the Author Notes shall brighten your gloomy day! And please convince Neko-Neko Faust VIII to cease doing her author notes in script! 

Chapter Four: I Love My Mommy- Anna POV

I really love my mommy…she's warm, and she smells like roses.

Kind of like the ones that are in the vase in my room from Hao's funeral, except…

Some people can't even see my mommy, but I can, and I think maybe daddy can…

But then again, I don't even know my daddy, I wonder where he is?

Whenever I mention daddy or ask where he is, mommy gets a sad smile on her pretty face, and she rubs my back, and looks out the window.

I hate it when my mommy gets sad and cries….why can't she be with daddy?

I figured out my mommy isn't Japanese like me, because I have long, slanty oriental eyes and she doesn't. Mommy has big, glowing blue ones, and blonde hair that's lighter than mine…I wonder why I don't look like my mommy?

There's another person who lives here at the inn who looks like mommy…I think his name is Faust…but—mommy calls him Johann, and she hugs him and whenever he has to go away, she gets sad.

Maybe him and mommy will get married and then mommy won't be sad anymore.

"Hoshiko…are you okay? Dear?" my mommy asked me that, looking kind of concerned, and I don't know why…

I didn't know my name before I met mommy, but this short little boy kept calling me, "Anna."

I don't like that name, I like "Hoshiko," the name my mommy calls me, and sometimes daddy calls me that too, and it makes me happy…

Because Hoshiko means little star in japanese. I wonder why that's my name…?

I answered my mommy, "I'm fine mommy…I was just thinking."

She walked over to me, smiling gently and sitting down beside me on the tatami mat…some things have really weird names, you know, like "tatami."

"What were you thinking about?" she asked me.

I like my mommy's voice, it's smooth and clear, and pretty…and I love it when she sings me to sleep with her special lullaby…but I can't help but think that mommy is kind of upset.

"I was thinking about you, and daddy…" I paused for a little minute, "Mommy, why can't other people see you? …you know, other than me and daddy and the short man, and Yoh?"

"Some things are just the way they are, Hoshiko-chan, and that's how they'll be…but you have a daddy." she answered slowly.

I pointed to the doctor man who was walking into the room…His name is Johann, but I think I said that already…I can't remember anything anymore…when I did that, mommy nodded.

He walks sort of slow, and he never looks at anything but the ground, he has dark stuff under his eyes…and blonde hair and blue eyes like mommy…he wears a white coat that doctors wear, and sometimes he talks to himself.

Most of the time, he's a very creepy, scary man…

But he's so handsome, and happy, when he's talking to mommy.

He came over to me with a bit needle, and I got very scared and started to cry, and hold onto mommy, and beg him not to.

"…." he didn't say anything, he just looked at my mommy pleadingly, and shoved the needle as soft as he could into my arm.

It still hurt really bad.

"Mommy!!!!" I cried, grabbing her silky dress, and wiping my eyes.

She looked at me, and smiled…and then she smiled her prettiest smile at daddy.

"…ah…Hoshiko…" he said, "Would you like some candy?"

After he said that, I got very happy, and I saw him reach into his big pocket in his doctor coat.

He pulled out a box of chocolates, and a huge, spinny lollipop like you see in cartoons…I hugged him a lot.

Mommy hugged him too, very gently, and like she loved him very much.

I think they love each-other, because him and mommy both have shiny gold rings that match, and when I asked if I could have one, mommy shook her head, and said, "Not until you are older, little Hoshi-chan…when you're older, you'll be beautiful, and then someone will give you a ring like this."

She called it a "wedding ring."

Maybe that's from a circus, like the rings and stuff.

All of us stopped hugging, and then daddy gave me another thing.

It was a very pretty doll, she was soft, and had silky blonde hair, and a pink dress….she looked like a princess, and I couldn't believe he actually gave me a doll…wouldn't someone have to be a millionaire to buy something like that?

It was getting late, and I got very tired. I crept into bed, with my doll, and I named her Chouchou, it means "butterfly."

As I fell asleep, mommy and daddy sat on chairs beside me, and held my hand.

They were singing the lullaby.

"_Twinkle twinkle little star…_

_How I wonder where you are…_

_Up above the sky so bright_

_Like a diamond in the night…_

_Twinkle twinkle little star_

_How I wonder where you are…"_

"We love you Hoshiko."

Mommy, daddy…

Where am I?

A/N: Of course I don't own "Twinkle Little Star," you'd have to be an idiot to think that! I know this chapter isn't what I promised, but I needed an easygoing chapter! Next chapter shall be, a fight between Faust and Eliza, all over Anna/Hoshiko! What should they do with her? Take her to Germany? Leave her with Yoh? And what does Yoh want, as he also joins the argument?

Ja Ne- Neko-Neko Faust VIII (this story isn't a bitch to write yet, I wonder when it will be…)


	6. Home Sweet Home

If I Smile And Don't Believe, Hoshiko

Summary: After a mental breakdown following Hao's untimely death, Anna seems to have lost all of her memories except of her beloved Hao…one night, when she attempts to escape from the En Inn where Manta has been watching over her, she is stopped by none other than Eliza, who stops her tears and begins to act as a mother for her. But as she grows more and more dependent on this new, "mother," Anna's mind drifts farther and farther away..and all Yoh can do is watch. Will Faust be able to help he and Eliza give Anna up as the daughter they never had, their "Hoshiko?" …or will they play onto the illusion and let Anna die?

Disclaimer: The tortured, vertically-challenged, exhausted authoress does not own Shaman King so please don't hurt her. That would be rude and insulting to Faust and Eliza and Frankensteiny. You don't want to upset the poor dears.

A/N: I love this plot! I wanted to have a main character, but it frequently switches between many characters like Anna, Yoh, Eliza, and Faust…Yay for Faust and Eliza on their way to stardom!

FaustEliza: Damn straight!

Neko-Neko Faust VIII: My god, Faust you are a sexy beast!

Eliza: Second to that!

Faust: I am what I is!

All: big cheesy smile Have fun with this story! 'Tis dramatic and angsty but the Author Notes shall brighten your gloomy day! And please convince Neko-Neko Faust VIII to cease doing her author notes in script! 

Chapter Four: Home Sweet Home- Yoh POV

I had no idea where she was.

Oh my god…oh my god… I thought, panicking and screaming in my mind.

Where is Anna?

Faust and Eliza are gone, too…that means I'm all alone, aren't I?

My god, I hate this! I feel blind!

Of course I heard the door shut as they walked into the night but I never knew she would be gone forever.

But then…

I knew my onii-chan wanted to die for one night, but it went too far…he didn't want to die forever, just for the night.

Why? Why?

The ever-present question.

Like hell I care.

Anna's gone, we tried too hard, and lost it all…none of my efforts mattered, who am I kidding?

I knew that we were destined to be kept apart, but…I didn't know it would be so hard.

Once, in desperation, I tried to force the idea into my head that maybe we could win…

But we just couldn't beat time.

And then, with a demented smile, I knew I'd never beat time.

I looked wildly around the inn and went white.

There was a note on the floor…

"Sorry…"

It was in Anna's disjointed, childish handwriting….

I put my hands to my eyes and screamed myself into an ever darker place.

A place called death.

Anna, you won.

A/N: To answer a reviewer's question!: Anna is her normal age, maybe a year older or so, but Hao died and she went a trifle crazy…and now, with having no mother as a child, she's regressing to that point…it's sad, isn't it?

You know, it's really very depressing writing two uber-angsty stories at the same time, yes, I mean Aisubeki Dearest….

DAMN!!!! . Weh!

PS: I'm writing an Outsiders fic, and then I'm starting a LililalaXSilva fic, and a alt-universe Faustie fic…the Faust one ish angsty and dark and it will make you question a few things! It's called Rakki no Kizu, it means lucky scar, so ironic to the story! Look 4 it! OO (headlight eyes!)


	7. Lilies That Grow Gently

If I Smile And Don't Believe, Hoshiko

Summary: After a mental breakdown following Hao's untimely death, Anna seems to have lost all of her memories except of her beloved Hao…one night, when she attempts to escape from the En Inn where Manta has been watching over her, she is stopped by none other than Eliza, who stops her tears and begins to act as a mother for her. But as she grows more and more dependent on this new, "mother," Anna's mind drifts farther and farther away..and all Yoh can do is watch. Will Faust be able to help he and Eliza give Anna up as the daughter they never had, their "Hoshiko?" …or will they play onto the illusion and let Anna die?

Disclaimer: The tortured, vertically-challenged, exhausted authoress does not own Shaman King so please don't hurt her. That would be rude and insulting to Faust and Eliza and Frankensteiny. You don't want to upset the poor dears.

A/N: I love this plot! I wanted to have a main character, but it frequently switches between many characters like Anna, Yoh, Eliza, and Faust…Yay for Faust and Eliza on their way to stardom!

FaustEliza: Damn straight!

Neko-Neko Faust VIII: My god, Faust you are a sexy beast!

Eliza: Second to that!

Faust: I am what I is!

All: big cheesy smile Have fun with this story! 'Tis dramatic and angsty but the Author Notes shall brighten your gloomy day! And please convince Neko-Neko Faust VIII to cease doing her author notes in script! 

Chapter Five: Lilies That Grow Gently

"This seems to help her, Johann…" murmured my Eliza, stroking Anna's hair as she looked out the window, staring fixedly at the white lilies growing outside.

I looked at her and tried to smile, "Eliza…" she smiled back.

It may be dishonest, we may be warping her, we probably are…and it almost kills me to know that I do not care as of yet…

That I don't care that Yoh is dead, Hao is dead, and that Anna is slipping away…

True, but…

She's slipping away into the daughter Eliza and I never had.

When she was alive…we had always wanted a child, and tried so hard…

But there was a miscarriage, and our hope was lost…and to think that only months after not only the baby would be gone but so would Eliza.

Eliza is the one who died, and yet she is stronger than I.

I who locked myself up in a cellar and turned my mind upon itself. I who went crazy. I who now, incidentally, was a kidnaper of sorts…but so was Eliza, nonetheless.

Well, now we have what we wanted, I thought…even though you're dead, and our "baby" is fourteen and insane with grief…now we have what we wanted, don't we?

And it's all poison.

Living in a façade, and I'm going along with it…Oh god Eliza, can't you see what you're doing?

But then again, aren't eyes of death clouded by earthly desires? I wish I could throw myself upon her grave and sink into the dirt, letting her live…

I love you Eliza, but there is nothing worse than a woman scorned…I will always go along with whatever you may do.

"Daddy," she tugged at my jacket as I slipped it on-for no apparent reason other than to occupy myself- "Daddy, when is dinner going to be ready?"

Eliza answered for me in her sweet voice, "After you take a bath, Hoshiko-chan…you're so dirty."

Anna put her hands on her hips in a childish manner, stomping a foot, "I don't wanna! I wanna watch the rain clouds, they're so mean-looking. What if lightning comes and gets me when I'm in the bath?"

Eliza looked at me pleadingly, "Johann dear…"

"I know," I answered half-heartedly, "I'll lie."

I put a hand on Anna's trembling shoulder and hushed her in a calm voice…though it is quite hard for me to sound calm these days, "No…because mommy will be with you, and she will protect you from the lightning, alright? Don't be afraid, Hoshiko…"

Reaching in my pocket, I pulled out a lacy handkerchief-why does it seem my pockets are bottomless, anyway? I wonder what else lies in their depths…hmm…anyway,-and wiped gently the tears from her cheeks. Anna was getting pale.

"O—okay daddy…." she said, holding my beloved's hand, and walking to the bathroom.

Much to my embarrassment, I felt a schoolboyish twinge of jealousy as I saw their hands touching…my god I'm an idiot, and I know it….

As they walked away, I saw lilies growing outside our livingroom window just as Anna had.

We're not that different, are we, Anna?

A/N: To answer a reviewer's question!: Anna is her normal age, maybe a year older or so, but Hao died and she went a trifle crazy…and now, with having no mother as a child, she's regressing to that point…it's sad, isn't it?

You know, it's really very depressing writing two uber-angsty stories at the same time, yes, I mean Aisubeki Dearest….

DAMN!!!! . Weh!

PS: I'm writing an Outsiders fic, and then I'm starting a LililalaXSilva fic, and a alt-universe Faustie fic…the Faust one ish angsty and dark and it will make you question a few things! It's called Rakki no Kizu, it means lucky scar, so ironic to the story! Look 4 it! OO (headlight eyes!)


	8. Please Don't Stop The Dream

If I Smile And Don't Believe, Hoshiko

Summary: After a mental breakdown following Hao's untimely death, Anna seems to have lost all of her memories except of her beloved Hao…one night, when she attempts to escape from the En Inn where Manta has been watching over her, she is stopped by none other than Eliza, who stops her tears and begins to act as a mother for her. But as she grows more and more dependent on this new, "mother," Anna's mind drifts farther and farther away..and all Yoh can do is watch. Will Faust be able to help he and Eliza give Anna up as the daughter they never had, their "Hoshiko?" …or will they play onto the illusion and let Anna die?

Disclaimer: The tortured, vertically-challenged, exhausted authoress does not own Shaman King so please don't hurt her. That would be rude and insulting to Faust and Eliza and Frankensteiny. You don't want to upset the poor dears.

A/N: I love this plot! I wanted to have a main character, but it frequently switches between many characters like Anna, Yoh, Eliza, and Faust…Yay for Faust and Eliza on their way to stardom!

FaustEliza: Damn straight!

Neko-Neko Faust VIII: My god, Faust you are a sexy beast!

Eliza: Second to that!

Faust: I am what I is!

All: big cheesy smile Have fun with this story! 'Tis dramatic and angsty but the Author Notes shall brighten your gloomy day! And please convince Neko-Neko Faust VIII to cease doing her author notes in script! 

Chapter Six: Please Don't Break The Dream

My dreams have basically come true, my dearest Johann and I have a precious little daughter…we're back home…everything is wonderful again.

I'm worried about Anna.

How can she smile with all those tears in her eyes, and say that she's alright? Johann knows she's growing comfortable here, but in a resigned way. As if she knows this pain in her heart will shrink, and then come back as a giant.

"Mommy!" she cheered happily one cold morning.

It's about two weeks from Christmas…I don't think she's ever celebrated Christmas…we'll show her!

"What is it, Hoshiko-chan?" I asked, ignoring the iron grip she had on the hem of my dress. She really is a strong girl.

"When is Satan Claus coming?"

I stared at her, mouth wide open and my eyes got huge. I know this from the look on Hoshi-chan's face. I probably scared her.

But I guess mispronounciation (at least I hope that's what it was….) is just something children do…I laughed slightly, albeit a little nervously, and gently told her the truth.

"No…" I sighed. "Santa Claus. SANTA Claus….Satan is a bad thing to talk about, little girls aren't supposed to say that kind of thing, Hoshiko…alright?" I rubbed her shoulder.

She looked up at me apologetically, "No, don't be sorry, Hoshiko! It was just a mistake anyway. Just remember the difference, alright? Santa Claus…not Satan."

I could hear Johann nearly giggling-in a macabre sort of way-in the background. I could tell he had probably been injecting some morphine into his arm…as a child he had been scared of needles, but now…

He wasn't, on the outside, the Johann I had once known…when I was alive….but on the inside, he was still the same…still the same prince. My knight Johann.

And I could tell he was worrying about me…but he worried about me in the way that made me almost fear him. You wouldn't like to know him…when he's angry. Of course I am never afraid of him, he would rather kill himself than hurt me…but I'm afraid for Hoshiko…

It's funny how I don't call her "Anna" anymore…

I'm afraid that one day, he'll snap and finally break the illusion.

My illusion.

My only illusion.

My consolation.

My lullaby.

…Please don't break our dream, Johann…

Because I know you want it just as much as I do.


	9. Do You Remember Christmas?

If I Smile And Don't Believe, Hoshiko

Summary: After a mental breakdown following Hao's untimely death, Anna seems to have lost all of her memories except of her beloved Hao…one night, when she attempts to escape from the En Inn where Manta has been watching over her, she is stopped by none other than Eliza, who stops her tears and begins to act as a mother for her. But as she grows more and more dependent on this new, "mother," Anna's mind drifts farther and farther away..and all Yoh can do is watch. Will Faust be able to help he and Eliza give Anna up as the daughter they never had, their "Hoshiko?" …or will they play onto the illusion and let Anna die?

Disclaimer: The tortured, vertically-challenged, exhausted authoress does not own Shaman King so please don't hurt her. That would be rude and insulting to Faust and Eliza and Frankensteiny. You don't want to upset the poor dears.

A/N: I love this plot! I wanted to have a main character, but it frequently switches between many characters like Anna, Yoh, Eliza, and Faust…Yay for Faust and Eliza on their way to stardom!

FaustEliza: Damn straight!

Neko-Neko Faust VIII: My god, Faust you are a sexy beast!

Eliza: Second to that!

Faust: I am what I is!

All: big cheesy smile Have fun with this story! 'Tis dramatic and angsty but the Author Notes shall brighten your gloomy day! And please convince Neko-Neko Faust VIII to cease doing her author notes in script! 

Chapter Seven: Do You Remember Last Christmas?- Anna POV

I woke up really fast.

It was Christmas morning, and I was real excited to see San…Santa Claus come to our big tree in the livingroom and give me my presents. I jumped out of my bed and I raced down stairs.

I don't know why I'm so happy or excited but I am. It's new. Like dawn but…something that reminds me of someone I don't know.

Do I?

I was thinking a whole lot while I ran down the stairs, and I wasn't paying attention, and I fell down a long way, and landed on my bottom.

"Waaaaahh….mommy! Daddy!!" I was crying very quiet, I didn't want Santa to know I'm awake. Mommy said he won't come unless I go to sleep.

I heard someone moving downstairs.

"Hohoho..." he was laughing. I could tell it was a man, because of his voice.

"Santa!"

I can't believe it's really him. Really Santa Claus!

He was wearing a red outfit with a dangly, poofy hat like a cat toy, and he had a white beard and he was fat. It was really Mr. Santa!

I think he saw me. "Why are you crying, little girl?" he asked me.

Funny…Santa kind of sounds like daddy, you know?

He picked me up and showed me the tree, under the tree was the most prettiest candy I've seen in my life!! There were a bunch of pretty dolls, and toys, and a giant dollhouse that I could live in if I wanted to! And a doll who looked just like me!

Also there was a picture. A boy with long dark chocolatey hair, and handsome brown eyes…he was the handsomest boy I ever saw…he reminds me of someone I saw last Christmas….someone warm…someone who loves me….someone…

Someone like….Hao…

Someone I remember.

Suddenly I screamed, "Where am I?! Why don't I know where I am?!" and I bit Santa, because I didn't know who he was, either. I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.

A bunch of memories just came to me….I looked at Santa. But he wasn't Santa anymore. I realized Daddy was Santa, and I got real proud that my own daddy was Santa Claus.

He looked at me like he was very sad and worried.

"Hoshiko….please…don't…." he pleaded.

I screamed louder than I ever had, and I didn't know what I was going to do…I just ran as fast as I could, and I ran out the door and slammed it real loud.

"Where's Hao?! I want Hao back!!!" I screamed as I slammed the door. Daddy heard me, and Mommy did too, I saw her come out of the bedroom and she was crying.

Why does mommy cry and she doesn't look sad? Why is daddy crying with her?

"Oh god…I have to realize again Eliza….oh god, oh god…." he murmured softly. I was listening out the window.

Mommy's name is Eliza? But mommy is mommy!

He continued, and I shivered. He sounded so tragic…like he was far away somewhere else…like he and mommy were on a planet of their own, and mommy was flying away.

"Oh god….I didn't want to realize you're still dead…."

I ran as fast as I could, screaming and thinking of Hao, and mommy, and daddy.

Mommy's dead?

A/N: I know, haunting, ne? Since it's Christmas, I didn't want to do the stereotypical mental-drama-thriller Christmas where the main character "realizes who he/she really is and is cured, and spends a heartwarming christmas!!!" That's just me. I'm in such a crappy mood today…why is that???


	10. Paradise Lost

If I Smile And Don't Believe, Hoshiko

Summary: After a mental breakdown following Hao's untimely death, Anna seems to have lost all of her memories except of her beloved Hao…one night, when she attempts to escape from the En Inn where Manta has been watching over her, she is stopped by none other than Eliza, who stops her tears and begins to act as a mother for her. But as she grows more and more dependent on this new, "mother," Anna's mind drifts farther and farther away..and all Yoh can do is watch. Will Faust be able to help he and Eliza give Anna up as the daughter they never had, their "Hoshiko?" …or will they play onto the illusion and let Anna die?

Disclaimer: The tortured, vertically-challenged, exhausted authoress does not own Shaman King so please don't hurt her. That would be rude and insulting to Faust and Eliza and Frankensteiny. You don't want to upset the poor dears.

A/N: I love this plot! I wanted to have a main character, but it frequently switches between many characters like Anna, Yoh, Eliza, and Faust…Yay for Faust and Eliza on their way to stardom!

Faust+Eliza: Damn straight!

Neko-Neko Faust VIII: My god, Faust you are a sexy beast!

Eliza: Second to that!

Faust: I am what I is!

All: big cheesy smile Have fun with this story! 'Tis dramatic and angsty but the Author Notes shall brighten your gloomy day! And please convince Neko-Neko Faust VIII to cease doing her author notes in script! 

Chapter Eight: Paradise Lost- Faust POV

Damn myself to hell.

I knew this would happen eventually, and I knew Eliza…

I knew that Eliza would happen.

That Hoshiko would finally find out, and it would be my fault…but why in all the world was that picture of Hao sitting under the god-forsaken Christmas tree?

I didn't put it there….my beloved wouldn't have…it had to have been Hoshiko.

But why?

This is the end, isn't it?

I ran toward the door, shouting her name, while Eliza tried to pull me back, "She'll come back, Johann…please…stop…"

Those blue eyes made me shake. They never had before…Eliza, what's happened to you and why can't you hear me?

Damn Anna.

It's all her fault.

I should have known never to have let this happen….Eliza and I could have a child….we could.

Even adoption! God knows there are thousands of little children without loving homes! We could adopt as many as Eliza could want, she'd love them, and they'd all grow up to be happy! Like normal children! Why did this have to happen…!

Simply because of Anna! I can't take this, I can't let her ruin Eliza…

"Eliza, I'm going after her…you aren't going to make me stop." I said through clenched teeth.

She looked at me helpless but angered, "She's just a child my love! She doesn't know what she's doing."

I snapped.

"The hell she's just a child! She's fourteen!She had…better know what she is doing! You've taken her in far too long, she's going to be the end of you, Eliza…she's using you!"

I wanted to put a stop to that little witch. I am not a very controlled man…nowadays…I do what I do and I can't change it.

Eliza just looked at me as if I were insane, "Take a step…out of this door and I promise you…."

My gaze wandered to her once more. She was still crying… "Eliza…." I whispered.

Now I knew what I had done. Now I knew that nothing would be the same after this. My life, and her death, were changed forever…and there was nothing I could do about it.

"Take a step out this door, and I promise you won't see my face again. She needs someone to hold her and tell her everything is alright….don't you understand?" Eliza sighed deeply, her blonde hair fluttering in the wind. "I love you, Johann…but I…I can't stand to the side and let you hurt her."

Why is this happening…? I don't care. I have to find Anna…my little Hoshiko….and no matter how hard I try, she's already become my child as well…I love her…but….

"She needs a mother, not a shield." I said softly to her.

Eliza just looked at me, as I ran out the door after our child.

It's slightly funny now, as I'm running, that I remember the title of a book I read while I was young….

"Paradise Lost."

Maybe, maybe not.

A/N: To answer a comment from priestess-carly-chan, I know this story is confusing! It's kind of supposed to be, even I don't understand it sometimes. Also with my other fic, Aisubeki Dearest, that's confusing as well…progressively so. Insanity is kind of my mainstream right now, so I'm balancing it with a cute SilvaXLililala Fic, called Ohayo! Look for it, it's so cutieful! I only have one chapter for it as of late, but since I'm done with this, I'll work on that.

I don't know when my Outsiders fic will get updated.

Natch!

TTFN- Watching the 19 O Clock News, Neko-Neko Faust VIII


	11. Dead Flicker

If I Smile And Don't Believe, Hoshiko

Summary: After a mental breakdown following Hao's untimely death, Anna seems to have lost all of her memories except of her beloved Hao…one night, when she attempts to escape from the En Inn where Manta has been watching over her, she is stopped by none other than Eliza, who stops her tears and begins to act as a mother for her. But as she grows more and more dependent on this new, "mother," Anna's mind drifts farther and farther away..and all Yoh can do is watch. Will Faust be able to help he and Eliza give Anna up as the daughter they never had, their "Hoshiko?" …or will they play onto the illusion and let Anna die?

Disclaimer: The tortured, vertically-challenged, exhausted authoress does not own Shaman King so please don't hurt her. That would be rude and insulting to Faust and Eliza and Frankensteiny. You don't want to upset the poor dears.

A/N: I love this plot! I wanted to have a main character, but it frequently switches between many characters like Anna, Yoh, Eliza, and Faust…Yay for Faust and Eliza on their way to stardom!

Faust+Eliza: Damn straight!

Neko-Neko Faust VIII: My god, Faust you are a sexy beast!

Eliza: Second to that!

Faust: I am what I is!

All: big cheesy smile Have fun with this story! 'Tis dramatic and angsty but the Author Notes shall brighten your gloomy day! And please convince Neko-Neko Faust VIII to cease doing her author notes in script! 

Chapter Nine: Dead Flicker- Hoshiko POV

The bathtub is so much fun! Poking at the bubbles and everything, like a pixie in those stories mommy and daddy read me!

It's summer now…I figured out daddy is a doctor…but I'm still very confused, if mommy is dead then why is she here? Dead people go to heaven.

Anyway, sometimes in the bath I turn the shower head on because I want it to be like a tropical rain forest; daddy told me about those, they're in Brazil and other far-away places…I wonder what Japan is like?… well, he said in tropical rain forests, they are waterfalls lots of feet tall, and that there might be pixie princesses or fairies!

When I go under the shower, I feel like I'm a pixie princess going through a waterfall! Even though mommy warned me it would flood the bathroom (A/N: I think I did that a couple of times when I was little…00 Except I wanted to flood my entire house so I could free the animals in the zoo…) but I didn't listen!

Strangely, I feel kind of sad when I feel the water touch my skin…like I miss someone touching me, making me feel warm. And those names keep coming back…

"Hao."

"Yoh."

And then…. "Hao to Yoh o wasurenai kara…."

I don't know what that means, but I don't know Japanese…my mommy and daddy are Ger….Germany….

Oh…I forgot. They're German, so that would make me that too. When I first lived with mommy and daddy I was Japanese, isn't that funny?

"Hoshiko, are you okay? You're taking an awful lot of time in the bath, dear." I heard my mommy call me from the livingroom.

The heat from the bath made me feel like I was wrapped in a bead of magic dust…I closed my eyes and I thought for a long time.

My heart….I feel like I'm waking up but I'm sleeping aren't I? There's a real me and a fake me…

I felt something very weird. Like I grew up…like a thousand years but I'm still a baby…

Even after that.

Hao and Yoh…it's not so foolish to think about them anymore, is it? I don't know who they are, but I know my mom and dad sure don't like it when I talk about them.

But it's usually mommy who reacts, she told me real gently not to talk about them. Daddy usually looks at mommy, sadly, like she's not here, and floating away…

Am I floating away?

…Help me mommy. Help me daddy. I don't want to grow up. I don't want to grow up.

I don't want to be old.

…But I'm not young anymore….

And why is it that?

Now I feel it, like a sad spark…

Electrocuting me.

I feel like I'm two people…like a monster with two heads….

"Dead flicker." I said as I went under the water.

A/N: We're getting closer to the climax…ever closer, about a few more chapters to go….same with Aisubeki Dearest. Then I think I'll start working on Shaman Idol 2….


	12. The Sleeping Anna

If I Smile And Don't Believe, Hoshiko

Summary: After a mental breakdown following Hao's untimely death, Anna seems to have lost all of her memories except of her beloved Hao…one night, when she attempts to escape from the En Inn where Manta has been watching over her, she is stopped by none other than Eliza, who stops her tears and begins to act as a mother for her. But as she grows more and more dependent on this new, "mother," Anna's mind drifts farther and farther away..and all Yoh can do is watch. Will Faust be able to help he and Eliza give Anna up as the daughter they never had, their "Hoshiko?" …or will they play onto the illusion and let Anna die?

Disclaimer: The tortured, vertically-challenged, exhausted authoress does not own Shaman King so please don't hurt her. That would be rude and insulting to Faust and Eliza and Frankensteiny. You don't want to upset the poor dears.

A/N: I love this plot! I wanted to have a main character, but it frequently switches between many characters like Anna, Yoh, Eliza, and Faust…Yay for Faust and Eliza on their way to stardom!

Faust+Eliza: Damn straight!

Neko-Neko Faust VIII: My god, Faust you are a sexy beast!

Eliza: Second to that!

Faust: I am what I is!

All: big cheesy smile Have fun with this story! 'Tis dramatic and angsty but the Author Notes shall brighten your gloomy day! And please convince Neko-Neko Faust VIII to cease doing her author notes in script! 

Chapter Twelve: The Sleeping Anna- Eliza POV

I could hear her playing with the bubbles in the bathtub, laughing merrily as if nothing had happened…as if nothing had changed.

I feel resigned. This can't last for long. This paradise is already floating away, and in my heart I know I'm unable to stop it.

But damn it all, she is my child. Hoshiko, is my baby…I know that she isn't my child by birth, but she may as well be…I would die for her.

She's my baby.

True, this is a lie, but what can you do…

When you are caught in a beautiful dream you can't and won't wake up from?

What about you, Johann? I am your dream, why can't you wake up from me?

Why can't you let go?

Because I won't either. As long as I'm breathing, I'll keep living this wonderful dream, with the someone just for me. I can't help it, the illusion is a beautiful one.

Just like my little Hoshiko, my sleeping Little Anna….

How I hate that name.

I could hear her talking in her sleep from her bedroom, "Yoh…." she moaned softly under her light breath.

Sometimes, she makes me want to cry, when she remembers things in her dreams. I wonder if she can see their faces, I wonder if she can touch them….follow their sweet musty scent….or talk to them.

_They _can do things you cannot.

_They _be dead and alive at the same time.

_They _are beautiful.

_They _are liars and demons….

_They _are the sweet dream that _she _never wants to wake up from.

_I _shouldn't disturb them.

Yoh and Hao and Japan are all of her dreams, not mine.

The more fun I have with Hoshiko, the sadder I become, knowing this cannot last. I know I've warped her. I know I've made her crazy. But I'm making myself crazy too. And all my poor Johann can do is watch….

"Mommy, I had a nightmare!" Hoshiko screamed from the darkness of her room.

I ran in, smiling gently for her, not showing how hurt I was….my Hoshiko couldn't hurt me, but I could hurt myself.

I can only hurt myself by hurting her. Making her crazy.

The end is next and I know it's coming….

Johann….please save me….

Save Hoshiko.

Our sleeping little Anna.

A/N: This fic is close to ending as well! After this I suppose I'll work on Shaman Idol 2! Keep reviewing, dear –er-reviewers!

PS: I am so sick of the word Smile and Dearest that every time I type them or hear them I want to burn the person that said them. Usually it is myself. Damn it all! I just typed it up there again! . 

Farewell until I update once more!


	13. Memories of Light

If I Smile And Don't Believe, Hoshiko

Summary: After a mental breakdown following Hao's untimely death, Anna seems to have lost all of her memories except of her beloved Hao…one night, when she attempts to escape from the En Inn where Manta has been watching over her, she is stopped by none other than Eliza, who stops her tears and begins to act as a mother for her. But as she grows more and more dependent on this new, "mother," Anna's mind drifts farther and farther away..and all Yoh can do is watch. Will Faust be able to help he and Eliza give Anna up as the daughter they never had, their "Hoshiko?" …or will they play onto the illusion and let Anna die?

Disclaimer: The tortured, vertically-challenged, exhausted authoress does not own Shaman King so please don't hurt her. That would be rude and insulting to Faust and Eliza and Frankensteiny. You don't want to upset the poor dears.

A/N: I love this plot! I wanted to have a main character, but it frequently switches between many characters like Anna, Yoh, Eliza, and Faust…Yay for Faust and Eliza on their way to stardom!

Faust+Eliza: Damn straight!

Neko-Neko Faust VIII: My god, Faust you are a sexy beast!

Eliza: Second to that!

Faust: I am what I is!

All: big cheesy smile Have fun with this story! 'Tis dramatic and angsty but the Author Notes shall brighten your gloomy day! And please convince Neko-Neko Faust VIII to cease doing her author notes in script! 

Chapter Thirteen: Memories of Light- Faust POV

This is tearing me apart.

I cannot take it anymore….Eliza, please do something…

But as long as I think about this, with a sadistic, insane grin, I know I'm losing you too. And you're both sinking in the same boat. It's my fault.

"Daddy, give me a piggyback ride!" she cried cheerfully, her dark blond hair bouncing as she jumped.

Reluctantly, I gave a sigh and hoisted our sixteen year old "baby" on my pointed shoulders, despising every minute of it.

But how can hate combat with love for a daughter?

No matter how I try, how much I hate myself, I can't stop loving her. I can't stop loving Eliza…

I can't….

Stop loving the lie.

"This is fun!" Hoshiko squealed. I know beneath her happiness she's scared of me. Everyone is scared of me, Eliza, on the inside, may in fact be scared of me.

I'm scared of me….

It haunts me in my bed at night, it's something I didn't think about until much after what happened to Hoshiko. I didn't know at this time that I would think about it so much. It was little, insignificant, pointless.

But now I think about it all the time. I think about it and think about it until I want to slit my wrists. It drives me insane, to the point of not wanting to live…

Is that why I hated Hoshiko? Is that…why I loved to dinner please. The food is getting cold on your plate." called my beautiful Eliza, beckoning me to the dinner table.

I removed myself from my frigid study, and I tried to avoid Hoshiko's grip on my shoulders as I made my way to the dining room. I couldn't eat, but I did nonetheless. Stuffing the food into my mouth without time to taste it…I felt something sharp, metallic, enter my mouth….it stung.

And as I put my hand to my mouth, coughing, I felt blood spatter my hand, and I ran to the bathroom savagely, without a word to my beloved.

Suicide is different in many ways. I could never slit my wrists. I've read too much about it. Talked about it too much….

However….I could go to a third world country and sip belladonna tea as calmly as if I were sampling wine. When you kill yourself in an unfamiliar way-there is something obscure about it. Something…not quite fatal.

As I choked down the razor blade, I smiled and locked the door behind me, coughing a river of dark blood into the sink, and onto the floor. I stood there for hours, not hearing Eliza's frantic cries, Hoshiko's childish sobs. I heard nothing.

But I did hear my blood go dry. Sitting on the floor of the bathroom, I only then just realized what I had done. That I was going to die.

I tried to reach for help, to the door, to salvation, but was too weak.

"Someone….help her…." I whispered.

"Someone….please help Anna….please help Eliza….."

The pen dropped out of my hand.

A/N: Yes Faust died…in the most unfortunate way…I got so sad writing this!

If you recognized the belladonna tea thing from somewhere, and are like me, you would know that was from The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, The Unbeliever. By Steven Donaldson! If you haven't read the book you should read it! (end of shameless advertising)

Don't you think, if there were a movie, Steve Buscemi would make an excellent Thomas Convenant? I think so. But the movie shouldn't be done by Hollywood…it should be a high-budget independent film! (I love those kind of movies….)

Talk about it in the polls! Bye!


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